Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?

New tinder profile pic

“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!

[first day as a sports announcer]

*clears throat*

*taps mic twice*

Me: sprots

911: what’s your emergency sir

me: I can’t find my butler

911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir

me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back

I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware

Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.

anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench

I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.

*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*

[creating seahorses]

God: give em little horsey faces

Angel: aww cute

God: fish lookin bodies

Angel: ok…wait, really?

God: curly-cue tails lol

Angel: this is confusing

God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch

Angel:

God: POP

[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]

My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.

Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’

“I’m an actress”

I watched your web series, and I disagree.

*6 holding a 5 hour energy*

“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”

Go ahead, have kids.

One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me

[doing crossword]

Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks

Just this preview of the story is enough

Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time

Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”

i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.

Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!

[at condiment counter]

*does shot of ketchup*

Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk

Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again

Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.

“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”

My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.

Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?

Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN

common English mistakes:

-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place

[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!