The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
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FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
