Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Santa Claus isn’t real. Ain’t no man checking a list twice

I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.

I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.

Give a baker flours on your first date.

Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…

Boyfriend: I’m gay.

I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.

Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

Ffs

*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE

I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.

If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.

Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more

Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.

Me – how about a Border Collie

Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding

Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?

I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill

When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇

dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕

Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.

This is your brain.

*holds up a brain*

And this is your brain on drugs.

*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*

My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.

“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question

Him: you’re so cool

Me: thanks

Him: …and aloof

Me: thanks

Him: it’s like you were raised by cats

Me: *licks his face* huh?

I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.

I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.

Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach

I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point

Current mood: Potato

My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos

This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.

Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.

My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.

Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.

Free on bail. Time to pay some meddling kids a visit.