The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
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[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Well, shit
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”