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[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Dead sexy!!
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
All I want for Christmas is for Santa to drop Mulder and Scully off in NJ to sort things out.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.