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we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
How to make ‘Small Talk’ with an Introvert:
Step 1: Identify the introvert
Step 2: Smile at the introvert and walk away without speaking
Step 3: Understand that the introvert enjoyed your time together
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.