Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.

5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?

hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly

Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.

[in the park]

ME: aww look a baby

WIFE: is it on me?!

ME: um no it’s in a stroll-

WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME

Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.

Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.

If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.

[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]

[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]

[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]

[Everybody cuts foot loose]

My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder

So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now

me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”

I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’

Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.

Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts

As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!

‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.

We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to

I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.

I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.

I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”

me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith

i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines

Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*

My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!

my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high

Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?

My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean

I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.

~Late night couch potato dilemma

FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!

ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*

I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.

Sometimes it’s in my bra.

Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.