The secret to fishing is on the first day you find the biggest fish you can and punch it in the face
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wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Love is always patient and kind.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Whoa 😂
