The secret to fishing is on the first day you find the biggest fish you can and punch it in the face
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Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Why call it a “step dad” when you could have called it a faux pas?
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
a friendship and a fart have a lot in common, both have the potential to turn into something bigger
I’m a self-made hundredaire
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Cats are so graceful and light-footed.
[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.