The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
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Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
The Sun
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes