The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
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Steven: Good evening
Stephen: Good ephening
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
I didn’t come here to be called names
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together