The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
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I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
he looks great for his age
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches