Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re how old?

*does quick math in head*

Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!

-justifying a bad decision with math

There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis

I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed

I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays

It will be called Side Chick.

I bought a CD today.

Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.

WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?

GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what

I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name

me: if you love someone set them free

boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners

me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad

[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]

MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much

Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.

Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are

Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?

me: *stabs vampire*

wife: omg

me: *beats zombie to death*

wife: OMG

me: what

wife: ur supposed to give them candy

Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.

Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.

billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit

When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Yes.

Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting

If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.

Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?

Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?

Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.

let’s hear it for plates that are bowls

I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible

also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies

If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?

SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief

I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!