The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
You Might Also Like
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me