The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
You Might Also Like
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
crochet youtube is brutal
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
12653.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Lucky for them, they’re cute
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Food bloggers be like, “This is one of my go-to recipes but first here’s a Tolstoyesque tale about my grandmother, her friend Birdie, and the baking competition that threatened to tear apart a town before uniting it.”
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
#ParentingFacts
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends