The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
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I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in hereMe: *pausing microwave
What?
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.