Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d grill your cheese.

~me, flirting

Him: What are you doing?

Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.

Him: Do you need help?

Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.

Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?

Me: Soooo doomed.

“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.

#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield

8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you

mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.

50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl

dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor

Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.

My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.

I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.

me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe

girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao

[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit

Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.

Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.

If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?

I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective

HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes

I hate when interviewers ask a second place finisher about not coming in first but I love this response from Andreas Reiterer.

Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Informant: why?

Me: for spilling the beans

Informant: I didn’t-

Me: shut your fern gully

Informant: what

Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy

Informant: ok now you’re making these up

Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur

Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?

Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.

Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.

I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.

count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video

I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.

Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse

Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?

me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner

telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back