The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
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Talk about a bad egg
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
#Caturday
happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now