The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
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band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
😂😂😂
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.