The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
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i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
this 4 hour meeting could have just been someone pulling my finger nails off one by one with pliers.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together