The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
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Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
I think Neptune can hear the YouTube video my son is watching.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
WHO LET THE T-REX OUT OF ITS PADDOCK JESUS CHRIST DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.