Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.

I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.

please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place

[First Date]

I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*

The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it

It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.

Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there

I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.

Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?

Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”

Wife:

Me: Everything isn’t about you.

Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket

Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.

buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue

She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get together

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:

Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.

In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes

[being buttered]

Me: are you sure about this

Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife

I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.

FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”

44.65

*click*
44.87

*click*
44.96

*click*
44.98

*click*
44.99

*click*
45.01

~ gas pumps

On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?

I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…

Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!

Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad

Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]

My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that

OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.

ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.

Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?

well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon

As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.