@copymama

The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.

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@_ElvishPresley_

I like to stand in the corner at parties and blow on anyone who walks by. People hate it, but I’m a fan.

@dance_blessed

Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.

@bridger_w

I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.

@Itskarleytime

Guy at a bar: wanna come back to my place?

Me: *elaborate excuse*

Guy: did you just say elaborate excuse?

@dumbbeezie

Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons

@david8hughes

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

@MsFoxIfUrNasty

*pinching bridge of my nose*

Kid, the sky is blue because it’s made of dead Smurfs, okay? Believe me, I don’t like it either.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.