@copymama

The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.

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@ShutUpThatsWho

*job interview*
Why do you want to be a psychiatrist?
*pictures clients acting like chickens after I click my fingers*
I want to help people

@AGStr8upNinja

If only people were named after their tattoo’s.

This guy standing in front of me in Petro Canada Would be named Machine gun-Snake-Jesus.

@joynessthebrave

This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.

@Girl15Gone

I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[working at prison coffee shop]

I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business

@Quanty_J

Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*

@markydoodoo

It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.

@BrokenDollMcGee

my luck, when someone actually falls in love with me, they will only tell me so shouted in German