The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
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I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
When you’re Kinky but poor
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Lmao
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
This was the best day of my life
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.