I like to stand in the corner at parties and blow on anyone who walks by. People hate it, but I’m a fan.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
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Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Guy at a bar: wanna come back to my place?
Me: *elaborate excuse*
Guy: did you just say elaborate excuse?
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
*pinching bridge of my nose*
Kid, the sky is blue because it’s made of dead Smurfs, okay? Believe me, I don’t like it either.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.