The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
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Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
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Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap