The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
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I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.
I’m giving up for Lent.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Kids, do not try this at home!
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine