the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back
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Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]