the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back
You Might Also Like
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
I wish I could call my dad’s therapist and be like “hey what exactly are you working on over there???”
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol