the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back
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Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
So true for me
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”