the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back
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Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home