The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
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Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
My Husband said I really shouldn’t use my SUV as a laundry hamper or shoe storage.
He hasn’t said anything about the fries between the seats, I guess a cafeteria is fine.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon