The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
You Might Also Like
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–
–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Meowchelangelo
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
john wicks are toilet candles
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.