The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
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The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*
*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Golf would be better with landmines.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Dammit Chief not again
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.