The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
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Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
This line from Airplane.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.
Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?
Me: No, just spots.