Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby

Me: It’s Abby

Therapist: That’s what you think

Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.

me opening up to someone

When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines

If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services

You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.

Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali

Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.

I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.

‘Did you hear, Tim died.’

Oh no, was it serious?

[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really

She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.

WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect

Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance

I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”

“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”

explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is

The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.

I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world

Me: I look cute today.

Camera: No.

Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.

Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”

*All of Twitter goes missing*

I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.

“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.

[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”

Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice

I guess I live down here now

Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:

I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.