The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
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Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
💁🏻♂️
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
😂😂
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
You’ll be OK
