The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
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Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
gonna be honest, yes the bear story is odd… but also, I find nothing more relatable than making things worse by oversharing.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?