The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
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My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it