Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA

me: your honor, the defense rests.

judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.

House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*

I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.

“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.

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I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.

Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first

Him: this is an automatic

Me: my house my rules

@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point

me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-

Other people on life raft: please stop

Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.

#Friyay

Think I left the oven on, better turn around

-me, leading a wagon train

Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?

Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.

First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”

Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.

“I’ll just use bug spray”

Mosquitos in the Midwest

Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.

Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.

A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date

Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?

Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.

pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob

Did you know?

Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.

[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]

I think salmon have the right idea.

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

*controversially pours a glass of milk*

I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal

detective: when did this happen.

edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.

detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.

You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.

I’ve got a mind like a computer. Not like as “in quick information processing,”…. but like as in goes to sleep after 5 min of inactivity.