Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?

Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.

Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?

My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning

No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.

If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.

This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her

I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.

I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.

*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*

Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—

*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*

[interview]

What is your greatest strength?

“Throwing my voice”

You’re hired!

“Ok great, thanks”

Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good

70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”

I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.

When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.

That’s the moment you wish you had kids.

Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.

Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity

Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.

Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.

Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.

surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now

olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here

“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.

[IKEA-themed restaurant]

Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?

If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.

I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!

I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals

Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?

Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.

So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.

I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.

Cop 1: There’s been another murder

Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging

Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus

There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.

His name was Tom.

Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”