The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
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Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.