The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
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“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.