The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
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Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
