The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
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When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Lunatics are gonna loon.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.