Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR

I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.

There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours

When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.

Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing

Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.

How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?

I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.

Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”

Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?

Me- Never, just ask my husband.

[on my deathbed]

me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad

wife: dave isn’t old

me: what

If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.

A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid

I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.

#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes

My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.

Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.

The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects

picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet

I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.

[mysterious British man rescues me]

Me: How?

Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.

7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other

Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?

7: I need $20 and your car keys.

My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..

*golf swings*

Pennefactor.

“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.

Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?

Me: Violently.

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: No further questions.

When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie

I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…