the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
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Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
linkedin the good parts
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.