the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
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It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
#milo
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.