the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to

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When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”


One advantage of being a woman is no one can surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.


COP: Know why I stopped you?

“Drag racing?”

COP: Nope.


COP: Definitely not.

“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”

COP: That’s the one.


me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room

{ later at party }

man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING

me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful


gal gadot: i will fix this virus panic

everyone: how

gal gadot: do u like john lennon

everyone: no

gal gadot: imagine if u did tho


Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.


Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.


ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?

SUPER FAT ANT: the who?


Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*

Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….

Me: Shit.