the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
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I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.