The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
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hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do