Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.

When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks

*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*

Stop me if you’ve heard this already.

-said no kid ever

[bar]

DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…

CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]

My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do

*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit

My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster

“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it

[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”

People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old

[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*

~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE

I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.

“I’m sick to death of people saying we’ve made 11 albums that sound exactly the same. In fact, we’ve made 12 albums that sound exactly the same.” ― Angus Young, AC/DC

[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST

Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.

[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that

It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.

Even if it is no one’s birthday.

They don’t even check.

When Corner House says something righteous and you just think

Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.

Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.

My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.

In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.

i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly

HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?

Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”

Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.

A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.

If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?

I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.

Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.