Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Yes, I need to check in.”

“Sir, this is a burn unit.”

“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”

DOCTOR: You should lose some weight

ME: Ok I’ll consider it

VET: Your dog should lose some weight

ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!

True embarrassment lies within your first email address

That’s not a tweet.

Alcohol: Yes it is.

in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.

Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!

Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.

*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*

Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”

ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin

Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?

Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.

#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning

Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.

Printer ink is expensive

Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.

I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.

cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray

*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.

*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.

*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.

If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.

Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really matters

Bohemian Rap-sody

I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.

Air pods looking like an angry frog

It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets

My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.

Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”

hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused

I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.

Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.

Hey dude that invented the unicycle…

Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle

coworker: a little bird told me—

me: —where

coworker: uh

me: i want to talk to the little bird

[the invention of ping pong]

“I don’t want this tiny ball.”

“Well, neither do I.”

“That makes me very angry.”

“Me too.”

I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.