Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: We shouldn’t give in to the commercialism of Christmas. In fact, we should celebrate it this year without giving each other gifts.

Husband: You missed the window for something to arrive by Christmas Eve, didn’t you?

Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!

I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.

My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.

Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.

i really like this french girl on tiktok the only thing she does is post these videos of her trying to pronounce english words and idk she is just such a diva i love her

ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.

House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.

Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?

Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber

C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.

I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.

Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?

McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words

Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds

What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?

ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns

Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.

Did I break my fitbit record? yes

Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.

“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”

– idiots

You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong

me: bye bye miss american pie

miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?

me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady

Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house

Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…

MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?

ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther

MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away

ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie

It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets

Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.

I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.

If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.

Two reasons I don’t trust people:

1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.

You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.

Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.