Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.

haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first

Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.

I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast

her: i love croissants

me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too

when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.

[Funeral]

He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”

Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?

[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.

[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.

The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.

Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.

If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath

Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.

My bachelor party always end with a wedding.

Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.

No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.

friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”

me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”

Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”

2020’s guy: “yeah”

1680’s guy: “yeah”

Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.

How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.

Me: [driving into a parking garage]

Wife: why are you ducking your head?

Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: that’s fair.

So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.

Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?

[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”

FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,

I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.

My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.

2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you

Me, handing out Halloween candy

In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush

I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.