The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
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me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.