The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
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I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Why am I like this?
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
It’s funny how my husband always talks me into going out to eat on the days I say I’m making salad for dinner.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.