The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
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Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”