The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
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It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Not today, today.
Not today.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.