The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
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A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
If you don’t like coffee, you’re probably just not putting enough Baileys in it
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.
WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.
Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.