The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
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COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?
Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby
photo in her wallet.Because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve
seen Amal.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out