Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.

I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.

i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry

If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.

Me:

Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy

I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.

My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands

I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.

If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.

I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.

[airplane nose dives]

*turns to kid behind

‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’

Stacy: Come over!

Me: Okay!

Stacy: My mom isn’t home.

Me: Nevermind.

If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.

cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law

me: incompetent lawyer

cop: wha-

me: tainted evidence

cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that

Him: So tell me a little about yourself.

Me: But this was going so well…

The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.

Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?

Me: She’s a week old!

Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!

I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.

my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.

If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.

My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.

Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”

Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?

Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that

The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”

So I took his Visa

I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about

[Masterchef]

Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef

Crush: what are u doing

Me: laying in bed listening to music

Crush: nice what kind

Me: it’s memory foam

Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist

Me: Picasso

Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it

My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.

Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.

[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”