[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
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I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Swedish for common sense.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever