[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
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I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”