The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
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Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
santa getting shot down over jersey this year isn’t he
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?