The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
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I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.