The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
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What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself