Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake

How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight

3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.

I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.

*in the car*

7yo: I can count to 100,000

5yo: oh yeah, then do it

me: no

According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”

Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.

I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.

what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??

I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.

I wonder if babies know that we are more terrified of them than they are of us

To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!

With grape soda comes grape responsibility.

Vishnu bud you’re gonna want to sit down for this

Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.

Me, showing up to school the next day:

Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.

almost typed dame instead of same and why don’t we say “same, dame” instead of “girl, same”

PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes

KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan

[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us

Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick

Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.

I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.

Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face

I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window

Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine

If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.

PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.

She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.