Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*

Does this smell funny?

Ground control: He says he loves you very much

Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
For if I die before I wake
I pray the third Paul Blart they make.

caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind

I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.

Someone garnished my wage.

Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume

Me: Street magic

I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.

Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College

Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same

Ghost costume 😂

He: did you burn dinner again?

Me: it’s a Flambé.

He: it’s mac and cheese

Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!

Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious

I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.

What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.

What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”

Wouldn’t that be something?

Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.

The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.

The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.

think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me

Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –

my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”

WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF

drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”

My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet

“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it

Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.

That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button

Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death

Me: I’ll take it

Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.

DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property

I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.

“Treat yourself,” they say.

“No, wait—not like that—”

But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair