The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
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The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
new career option?
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which