Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one

5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.

Me: OK, then no ice cream.

5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.

Commits all the murders so I can be most wanted by somebody.

HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.

[1hr before date]

Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken

My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️

I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?

me: see you later alligator

crocodile: [frustrated sigh]

Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD

Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare

Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger

Fortune Cookie:

You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.

Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.

Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …

I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.

[doing crossword]

Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: never

Me: pistol; three letters
Wife: gun

Me: disgust; three letters
Wife: ugh

Me: charity; four letters
Wife: give

Me: female sheep; three letters
Wife: ewe

Me: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up

why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays

No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.

I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.

I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers

Domino’s: FREE PIZZA

Me: sweet finally

Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????

Me: uh what happened to free?

Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE

Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?

Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…

one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction

Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?

Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times

Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this

Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it

If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.

“Check engine”

Yep, it’s still there.

Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.

I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.

interviewer: what are some of your strengths

me: i’m really good at making people question their reality

interviewer: what does that mean

me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you

Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.

If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.