Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack

[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous

[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death

Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?

[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]

Black cat: You got me boss

4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?

Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.

4: Mom’s not home.

Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*

Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*

If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.

Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name

I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers

The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.

It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.

*takes off sunglasses*

Oh.

I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”

what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??

My girlfriends good traits :

She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.

Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.

I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.

Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.

Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”

My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship

So I said I wanted a divorce

A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.

[Did you mean “digger”?]

my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn

You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice

Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk

cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me

Everyone buries their problems in different ways.

I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.

Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…

When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was

I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.