The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
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Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT