The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
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FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
We like the way Dwight thinks
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic