The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
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“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.