The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
![]()
You Might Also Like
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers