Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.

Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.

*at adoption center*

“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”

This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.

“You busy tonight?”

Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.

I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.

Me: wanna go cow tipping?

Other person: that sounds fun

*LATER*

Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy

Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby

Her: Head held high

Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby

Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.

GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right

[insect crime scene]

ant detective: do you have any suspects?

ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick

[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.

Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.

The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.

I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.

The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here

Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.

Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.

Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!

Me: No, that’s just God crying.

*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*

I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.

Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.

Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.

Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.

Awwwww shit.

Angel: Awww babies are so cute!

God: Make them scream

Angel: W-why?

God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?

My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.

I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.

Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.

If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified

Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*