Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why I oughta

It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.

wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35

Boss: you’re late

Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court

Boss: I hate you

him: *dying* avenge me

[later]

widow: ok who put him in the thor costume

Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.

Wife: Do the dishes

Me: Can’t. Holding the baby

Wife: Take out the trash

Me: Can’t. Baby

Wife: Change the baby

Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.

McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?

Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?

My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*

It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane

Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.

I passed with flying carpets.

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-

“Honey, you’re wrong.”

Brain: I give up.

Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day

I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.

I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing

People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.

[trying to impress a girl]

Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*

I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.

Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?

[the city, seeing a marching band]

DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?

ME: i’m 6

I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.

[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY

[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.

Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.

Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly

[first date]

HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.

ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.

yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…

Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%

So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying

I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.