the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
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I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
This pepper has seen some shit
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Who could have predicted that allowing a a handful of billionaires to control the entire global communications system might turn out to be slightly problematic.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Happy #NationalCrocDay to all the lovers and haters.
