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The shittier a bank’s website is, the safer your money is. Clean and easy to use web portal? You’re being scammed. Barely functioning console log looking windows 95 ass flash page? Sleep easy at night.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
I went to a job interview, and it didn’t go well.
How was I supposed to know HTML doesn’t mean how to make lasagna?
I mean, I don’t know how to make lasagna either, but they didn’t know that.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes
me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.