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I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Good dog. ❤️
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.
10/10 no notes.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap