[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
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I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
#StillHurts