[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
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How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu
Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …
Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
channeling her this year
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Found the job I’m suited for
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Did you get that psychic damage I sent you