[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
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You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying**By a massive crocodile
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how