The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
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“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Bringing home a sharpie
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
I’m a bad influence on myself.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
woke up in the middle of the night to write this down
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*
*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*
Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.